The Three Hardest Words

Those who know everything have much to learn.

During a previous life I was an on-site support engineer specializing in a common enterprise collaboration platform. I was working with a client to deploy the platform and, in an attempt to optimize their expensive billing hours, I coordinated my time such that we would do one day together, coordinate the things they would do without me during the next week, and we would reconvene the following Monday. I recall coordinating some major and somewhat critical activities for them to accomplish over the upcoming week and asked explicitly "Do you understand what needs to be done and how to do it?" and received nods of confirmation. Cool. The following Monday I showed up to none of it having been done. Why had they clearly said that they knew what needed to happen when they clearly hadn't? I can't be certain exactly why they didn't feel comfortable saying they needed support… I only know that the work wasn't done and when I asked how far they'd gotten or what the issue was, they simply didn't know.

I believe this boils down to the three words that we find the most frightening, painful words for humans to say: "I don't know".

Knowing vs. Believing

Our brains are ultimately designed to keep us alive at all costs… and anything that interferes with that goal almost always cause fear, indecision, and conflict. Our brains, being fantastic prediction engines, are suddenly unable to predict what the "best" option might be in order to keep us alive. Of course, in today's world our lives may not necessarily be at stake. We are unlikely to die as a result of being conflicted about which of the myriads of peanut butter choices might be "best"… but the lack of certainty… the "I don't know"… is painful all the same.

Beyond predicting, our brains are also highly specialized to do inference. We take the things that we think we know and fill in the blanks with predictions about what we believe the most likely truth might be. This resolves the "I don't know" problem and brings us comfort and a sense of certainty. Our inferences enable us to navigate the world without fear that the next action we take will be detrimental.

Unfortunately, it is incredibly easy for us to take these inferences… these invented concepts that we've used to fill in the blanks of missing information… as facts. We act on them with certainty. We make decisions based on them without question. To us, they are as known as the things we have directly observed. They're comfortable.

…but they aren't facts. They are ideas that we have inferred… invented… to fill in the blanks between the things we have directly observed. These are things we believe yet easily confuse with things we might know… and in many cases, we can't actually see the difference.

For example, that person that, based on your actual experiences, "definitely hates you". Your experiences are factual. Maybe that person was rude. Maybe that person gave you the cold shoulder. Maybe they were inconsiderate. Clearly, they hate you or none of these things would have happened. But do you know they hate you? Have you confirmed it with them? Has a close common friend told you that your connection with them is actually negative? Probably not. In truth, you don't know… you believe… and it can be very difficult to understand the difference. Our minds infer a belief and, even if the belief is negative, the belief is more comfortable than acknowledging the fact that we simply don't know what their truth is. Perhaps they've had a bad day or perhaps they simply don't have an interaction style that matches yours. Maybe they don't think that way. Maybe… whatever… but the actual fact is that in absence of direct confirmation, you really don't know.

Safety vs. Comfort

The comfort of knowing is incredibly powerful, to the point that it can cause us to make decisions that are actually to our detriment. We may make completely irrational decisions that bring us to a state that we know… that is familiar… that is comfortable… even if that decision increases our actual risk.

One example of this is children that grow up in unfortunately dysfunctional circumstances. It is common that children that grow up in these circumstances will unintentionally recreate them in their adult life. This is almost never intentional, to the point that it is completely unconscious. But it is familiar… it is known… and is therefore comfortable. Many people that are in abusive relationships will stay in that relationship because the fear of leaving it… the unknown of what the world looks like… is terrifying. Their safety is at risk, and that risk or ongoing trauma is real… but it's known, and that is better than the unknown of actual safety might be.

Decision Paralysis

We live with the belief that we should have options. More options increase our belief that we can make a decision that is ever closer to the best for us. However, study after study have demonstrated that more choices actually increase our indecision and discomfort. Having more options actually conflicts with our ability to know which choice is actually better for us.

The previously mentioned peanut butter isle is a great example. Imagine living in a world that had exclusively one choice: smooth or crunchy. No myriads of brands. No organic vs. conventional. No hydrogenated or not. This is an easy choice based on a simple preference. The number of factors that we have to consider is minimal. This is incredibly comfortable… we can believe that we know that we've made the best choice for us. Instead, we have 5 different brands… which one is the best? Organic? Flavor? Plastic or glass jar? Will one option that has this value come at the cost of another value that we might care about but don't find together? Which one is more important? Every decision that we have to make, and every option within each of those decisions, compound the pain of simply not knowing what the "best" option might be.

Control

We love the belief that we are in control of our future. If we have control, then the future is known. We can manage what is coming. We can prepare for the next thing. Control is fantastic. Control is certainty, and certainty is comfort. Further, the belief that we are in control is powerful, and is likely a more accurate phrasing of what we might have… belief.

We believe we are in control constantly. We decide what job we're going to have. We decide where we're going to drive our car, or we decide which route on transit we're going to take. We decide what time we're going to arrive at a destination. We control whether we're going to have a glass of wine with dinner. We control what time we're going to go to sleep. We control what time we might wake up. We control our lives… and that belief that we are in control is safe and known and comfortable.

For example, take our words. We like to believe that what we say is under our control. We think, we decide, and we say (though there are certain exceptions for specific known behaviors and afflictions). And yet, how often has some concept popped into your head and out of your mouth before you've actually thought about it? You might suddenly owe someone an apology, or you might have to correct something you said instantly out of a belief that it was accurate. Were you in control of that moment?

Do we control who we fall in love with? Can we just "turn off" how we feel about people, once we feel something? We might be able to control how we respond to those emotions, but controlling the emotions themselves is difficult to say the least. Life for many of us would be much, much more convenient if we were able to choose who we loved or not, hated or not, felt uncomfortable with, awkward with, close to, trusting of… and yet, we can't.

When we drive our car, are we in control? We might perhaps feel like we are in control of where we're going and what we're doing… but that crazy person that comes out of nowhere and causes a (potentially severe) accident has demonstrated that while we may be in control of (some) of our actions, we aren't in control of our environment.

We live with the belief that we are in control, at least to the point that the day to day won't negatively affect us. If we lived in the world of not having control… of not being able to plan for what's next… of conscious recognition that in truth we don't know our future… we would never escape the fear that not knowing brings.

Doing Better

While this article does present a similar perspective as epistemological skepticism, there is absolutely a point at which we must accept observed truths as being factual. The goal in this article isn't to debate that point, exactly, but rather to say that there is a line between what we have investigated to the point of having that line of truthful fact be as validated as is reasonably possible before buying into it.

The path to knowing begins with acknowledging that we don't know.

For all of the reasons mentioned above, it is challenging for us to move ourselves back into the uncomfortable space of "I don't know". Taking our comfortably held beliefs and calling them into uncomfortable question is unquestionably hard. Acknowledging that we don't know something (to a reasonable degree) is the only way we can create the space in ourselves to pursue more accurate fact.

Those engineers I mentioned at the beginning of this article would have made much more progress if they'd found the space to acknowledge that they didn't know. I would have been more than happy to provide additional information and guidance to help them while I was gone… but not acknowledging that lack of knowledge precluded that possibility.

Asking that person that hates us "Are we okay?" (and accepting the vulnerability that we have the feeling of not being okay and that in itself is uncomfortable) might validate that things aren't okay and perhaps might never be… but even that provides the possibility of knowing vs. believing. It also provides the possibility of resolving the gap, learning that everything is fine, or even giving them the sense of value that your relationship with them matters such that they might aspire for better interactions with you. Sure, there's downside… they really might not like you… and that has to be okay. It's the knowing that provides value and the opportunity to do differently.

It is entirely possible that our safest place is also our most comfortable… and that's awesome… but until we actually look at our situation… am I making the best decisions for myself… not only will we never know, but we'll also never have the opportunity to move into places that are of higher value or benefit. Sitting on the couch is comfortable… but being overweight is to our detriment. Everyone is different, but I find that asking myself if I am making my own best decision in a moment to be incredibly powerful in moving me toward the better answers. It may be tough to make that move into a better place… but if you can find it, being able to say with honesty that I'm moving into my best ("safest") place will also soon be my most comfortable place is in itself comforting (and rather gratifying).

Decision paralysis can also be defeated with the acknowledgement that we don't know what the best answer is. It allows us to start to employ a strategy in making the best decision we can… and that provides long-term comfort. We need to ask ourselves "Well, what matters to me? What are my priorities in this decision?" (as Harry Max would say, "It's all about priorities"). Maybe in the plethora of options, your highest priority is a peanut butter that doesn't separate and stays homogenous. The second priority may be a crunchy option. Third might be flavor. It's important to look at this with honesty… the first priority that jumps to your head may not necessarily be your actual top priority. Some might say that crunchy vs. smooth would be their top priority, and yet if that is only available in a version that separates, they may make a different choice. This is a great example of the believed priority not being the actual priority. Seeing our actual priorities and going through the decision-making process can easily defeat decision paralysis. It's important to note that we can only make decisions based on the information we have, and the best decision made at the time may not always yield a positive outcome. That doesn't make it a "bad" decision… it simply means there was information we didn't consider or didn't have.

Acknowledging that we're not in control is perhaps the most difficult. It is entirely possible that we may never have enough information to always be in control of what happens to us. The point though isn't to necessarily gain control. It's to acknowledge that we may not have it and to acknowledge that we don't know what might happen next. This opens that space to look at the possible outcomes and prepare for them. As long as we believe we're in control, there is no reason to investigate possible eventualities and prepare for them. It might even be best to let go of the concept of control instead and focus on being prepared. Preparedness can provide a sense (not fact) of being in control.

Can you know?

It's possible we can never know. There is likely to always be information that we don't have that, were we to have, might contradict or change something we know. Learning to live with this uncertainty might be a challenge… but it provides the opportunity to pursue more truths, to ask more questions, to learn more about our environment, our world, and ourselves, that can provide us with the comfort of having done our best to have the most accurate beliefs possible.